The only memory I have of my father is when I was about four years old. When I came down for breakfast, he was sitting at the table. I knew him! But, I do not remember how or why I knew him. I climbed into his lap and sat there for awhile. I finally asked him if he wanted some toast with his coffee, and he said, "Yes, do you know how to make it?" I jumped off his lap and ran to get bread and put it in the toaster. I was so happy! Once the bread was toasted and buttered, I set it on the table for him and climbed back into his lap.
After he finished eating, he called my brother Tony over and said, "Here take Annie Bananie to the movie." I clung to him and did not want to go upstairs to get dressed for the movie. I wanted to stay with him! I needed my daddy. But he assured me he would be there when I got home. So, reluctantly, I went upstairs to change clothes. I do not remember what we saw. The only thing I remember is my daddy was not there when we got back, and I never saw him again.
My mom, having been excommunicated from the Catholic Church, would not go to church. She did talk about God, but not always positively. She did, however, listen to music, and one day I heard the song: "It is No Secret What God Can Do." I went up the stairs as this song was playing, and stopped to look up and out the window at the top of the stairs. Looking out I said, "Okay God, what will you do for me?" I have not forgotten that, nor the clothes I was wearing. When this memory comes back, and it has often during my life-time, I can see myself standing there in my sun suit with green vines across the white suit. The collar was green with white vines on it.
I troubled my Mom with requests to attend church. She finally told Tony to take me one Sunday morning. We rode the bus to downtown Pittsburgh and went to a large church there. I was in heaven!
And, then my brother said, "Okay, we've been here long enough, let's go." We left there and went to the movie, using the offering money Mom had given us. I remember some of that movie, especially the last line, "Don't trouble him now, he has the world in his arms." It was a pirate movie. I did not attend a church again until we moved to Texas, about three years later.
We left Pittsburgh the summer I turned seven. My mother had married again, and Bill was in the military. Mom, Tony, Richard, and I left for San Antonio, but my brother David stayed behind with an aunt. Tony and I had a fun trip! We sang songs, told silly jokes and stories as we traveled. Life changed drastically for us over the next year. Bill proved to be an abusive alcoholic. It wasn't long before Tony was sent back to Pennsylvania to live with my Mom's cousin. As he was boarding the bus, he turned and said, "Via con Dios." Words taken from a song of that time, but words that have hung in my mind for all this time.
We moved off base just before Bill was shipped over seas. Our neighbors went to church often and invited us. Mom still did not go, so I went by myself. It turned out to be an apostolic church and it scared me. The next time I went to a church was in Germany.
The next memory that flooded my mind as I watched "I Still Believe" was that of my first son. He was premature and lived twelve hours. I never held him. I was alone when the nurse told me, and soon after that my husband came into the room. He had tears and I held him. I went home that day, and the first thing asked of me when we got to the house was, "What did you do?" When my Mom was coming to the house, she informed me that my real Dad had died the day my son was born. I cried when I was alone. I could not share the pain with anyone.
The next memory that hit was that of John. Oh, Johnny, momma has missed you something fierce. The pain and tears were flowing as I watched the movie. John's dad is the one who told me of the accident. I was hanging clothes on the line when he ran out of the back door calling my name. The look on his face I will never forget. When he told me, "He's gone, Johnny's gone." I fell to my knees, and just stayed there. I could not understand what he was telling me. Gone? I got up and rushed inside. I had to call my older children...
I went out for a walk the next morning, and as I was walking down the dirt road, I screamed at God. How could this be happening? Why did this happen? Johnny had the kindest heart. He loved the Lord. Why, why? I screamed all the way down the road. Finally, I stood at the fence of the pasture, and prayed. Coming home, I was able to thank God for the young man who had been my son. I was privileged to watch him grow for 19 years. God had a purpose.
And Booger. Why??? This silly, fun loving kid was taken way too soon. I will never forget his phone call that night. He called to see who won the football game because he and his friends had left before it ended. He was really excited when I told him the Bobcats had won. "Really, Mom, they won?" We talked about the game for a few minutes, and he said, " I love you Mom." His last words to me... Again, I did my crying when I was alone. I felt I had to be strong for everyone else.
When my other children left home, I could not let them see me cry. Perhaps, this is a trait I picked up from being told more than once, "Big Girls don't cry! Now, stop it and go splash cold water on your face." I do cry if is am surprised with a happy moment, or if I see something touching... But, they may rest assured, cry I did...alone.
This movie certainly opened a flood gate of memories for me, and it left a desire to do better with the rest of my life. May the desires of my heart be in line with what God desires.
